Friday, February 8, 2019

Feeling That Way

Weight: 371 lbs.

Depression lies. Depression lies but hormones? Those are just there to fuck with you.

I know this. I know this and yet every time I go through a hormone dump I panic and think that my depression is back and worse than ever, forgetting that this is a transient state that lasts around 24 hours because my body is burning fat and releasing the hormones that were stored with it. Since I started keto, well really, about a month in when I was done with "keto flu" and sugar detoxing my mental health has, for the most part, improved significantly. I'm happy and full of energy.

Until I'm not.

Until I wake up on a day like today, drink my coffee........and feel like shit about myself and everything. I hate my house. I hate myself because my house doesn't look how I think it should. I hate how I look. I hate what I did to myself over the years. I hate that I never finished college. I hate that I don't make more money. I hate that I'm addicted to shopping. I hate how big my nose is, that fucker takes up half my face. I hate my stupid sagging neck. I hate my teeth that are too yellow no matter how much I clean them. I hate that my eyes are red all the damn time. I hate that I'm negative. 

The weight loss no longer matters, I can't see what I've accomplished, only how fucked up my body is and I can see all the paths I should have taken in life and didn't.

I'm numb for hours. Then I start crying and can't stop.

Here's the thing that people don't really talk about on this particular diet, on the keto diet, on a fasting protocol: when your body stored that doughnut you ate in 2002, when it tucked it away for "later", it also packed some hormones into that freezer package and when it unpacks that doughnut to use it all that other hormonal shit just comes washing into your bloodstream. Surprise! Take my sugar from me will you? Deal with this bitch. Remember this? It's PMS, except you don't get that anymore so it feels 10 times worse. Merry Christmas.

It's horrible. I become almost non-functional. I kept trying to take bead photos so I could do listings today but I finally had to give up because the crying was blurring my vision and everything seems so completely pointless.

I have to stay up because I have to go pick Sam up from work but if I didn't, and in fact as soon as I have done that, I'll be rolling up in the covers in my bed in an effort to sleep this off, this hormonal hangover.

Am I whining? Yes, of course I am. I'm also writing this so that when you read it you will understand that when you drop some weight and suddenly one day you feel like absolute garbage for no reason you'll know why. I don't know, is it the same for men?

Losing weight is such hard work but it's so much more than just putting down the fork. It's not picking up the fork when you feel like absolute crap and you're sure, you just know, that a nice big cookie would fix that shit right up. It won't, those are old messages from old you, but they're hard to ignore when you feel like your body is punishing you.

You know what though? I've had worse. Nice try though body, nice try.

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