Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Trust the Process

Still at 388 lbs.

No, I didn't cheat. Still strict keto, still doing intermittent and extended fasting. I refer to those sometimes as IF and EF when I forget to write them out, I'm used to the place where I hang out on Facebook where everyone knows the acronyms. While I'm on the subject, my favorite Facebook group and the place where I've gotten the best support and no negativity is called:

 The Obesity Code Network: Fasting Support with Megan Ramos & Dr. Jason Fung

My internist first suggested low carb to me and from there I found keto. From that point I found Dr. Fung's books, The Diabetes Code and The Obesity Code and after that I found the group I linked above. That's how I started on this path. Prior to that, in the spring of 2018, I had just started cutting back on the amounts I was eating but things weren't changing much, I still felt bad, and my lab numbers were awful.

My starting weight was, I believe, somewhere in the 460s. I don't know that as fact because I wasn't weighing myself at the time, I'd given up.

You'll see this photo, I'm sure, over and over again on this blog simply because it's the only "fat" photo I've found so far. I have memory cards of my daughter's wedding and I need to go back through that because there may be one there but right now it's still too close for me, you know? Even this one is hard for me to look at. Not because I think this version of me is ugly or doesn't deserve my respect because she survived a LOT, but because it makes me remember what life was, how hard it was, at that size. When you struggle to walk down the hall in your own house, life sucks. It just does.

These photos are from last Sunday:

Before I started loving myself I could have pointed out everything that was wrong with me in these photos and I would never have taken any photo that showed my VBO (visible belly outline). The change in attitude and the addition of self-love is in large part due to three plus size fashion influencers I follow on YouTube and IG:
Kandy Foxx
And I Get Dressed (KellieB)
Jessica Torres (thisisjessicatorres)
These women, decades younger than me, taught me to love myself and and to fiercely be who I am with zero fucks given. In other words, to live my best life. I am eternally grateful to them and to all the women out there doing the same. We all need to be warriors for the girls coming up to see. Shame needs to die.

Now, I mention this because, and this is key, loving yourself is the first step in the process. Not, "I'll love myself in xxx lbs." No. Bad girl! *spanks hand* Right now. Love yourself right fucking now.

Because to live your best life you don't have to lose weight, that's a personal choice. However, to live your best life you do have to love yourself because, as RuPaul says:

Also, I promise you when you begin to love yourself everything changes. Everything.

So, trust the process - wth does that mean?

It means that there will be stalls as you lose weight. Yes, even with strict keto, yes, even if you are really big like me, and yes, even if you do some extended fasting.


Because your body is healing itself from years, and sometimes as in my case, decades, of damage and insulin resistance. The first fat you lose according to the research I've read, and trust me when I say I a have read tons of research (it's what I do when I'm feeling weak and want to dive head first into the loaf of bread my husband brought in the house, the bastard, lol), is the fat surrounding your internal organs. Trust me when I say this is a good thing. It's good because when your organs are released from fat bondage they can function better and you feel better. I live this truth now every day.

Also, when fat is released from the cells that have stored it the body will fill those cells with water as a sort of place holder, or bookmark. It's saying, "Oh, this is temporary, we'll be back here. Let's just put water in here for now so we don't have to go through all the bullshit of re-expanding the storage center." However, when you don't give your body anymore fat to store, and when you are strict keto and IF/EF you won't, then your body will be like, "Well damn, I guess the bitch is serious....." and will release that water and you'll see it reflected on the scale.

I'm not in a hurry.

I'm living my life, I'm committed to this way of eating, this way of life.

I trust the process.

I found my happy.  😍

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